When I went to bed last night I wasn’t sure what to expect the next day. My fibro was in full flair. I was rotating between doing yoga and laying on a heating pad to stretch out and relax my muscles and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. All the while I was trying to take time for myself and relax simultaneously with a friend who lives across the province. I ultimately had to cut that short in order to catch some zzz’s.
When I opened my eyes this morning I felt relatively normal, relaxed even. I honestly thought today would be another good day on the road to recovery from my withdrawal.
As I began the normal routine that is caring for a two year old, something felt off.
My anxiety was on the rise. Something my friend said last night bothered me but in a way I couldn’t shake.
I tried my work routine.
I worked my side hustles.
I contacted clients and prepped answer sheets for a student struggling with grade 9 math.
Work is my release. Work gets me through the day. In that moment though, I couldn’t even focus on my work.
My anxiety was almost at full peak for no reason at all. It was a good day but at the same time I was inches away from a meltdown.
It’s not easy when I’m at that point. The slightest inconvenience could push me over into ugly crying and panicking accompanied with irrational thoughts.
Instead of letting it overcome me today, I rallied for myself.
I put on my big girl pants and with every ounce of courage I had I messaged my friend to clear the air in my head.
It was all in my head.
Everything that has been wrong lately has been minor but my mind blew it out of proportion to the point where I now can’t think straight.
While I wasn’t necessarily getting the answers I hoped for from my friend, I realized something else.
All of the pressure I’m putting on myself is only because of my birthday. I turn 25 in 44 days. I’m trying to make my life seem better by forcing things to happen before they are anywhere near close to being ready to happen. When it comes to birthdays, no one likes to be reminded that they are alone or that their life has been turned upside down and shaken like a snow globe.
If I look back, I never thought half of the things I have had to experience would happen to me. The latest experience being the biggest as a newly single Mom.
Never in my life would I have thought this would be me. Yet 2.5 years ago, I said the same thing as I was bed bound with grief over the loss of my career. Look what I did with that.
While I hate the stagnant aspect of the mess that is rock bottom once again, I know I’ll get better. I know I’ll take this situation and create something bigger and better than it ever was. I just hate waiting. I hate being out of control. I hate the unknown. The thing I hate the most? I hate being so scared.
Despite the craziness that my mental illness played up today, it could have been worse.
On the positive side though, there is always tomorrow.