It has been a while.
I’ll be honest. My mental illness got the best of me last month. I have been wanting to write again, but had no desire to carry it through. I have 4 drafts I started since I last wrote.
My mental illness took a toll on every aspect in my life.
I did the bare minimum to get by – not only as a tutor, blogger, and beauty products consultant, but as a mother too. Oh yea, I sell beauty products now. You could say my plate is full.
I started to notice changes when we went to Kingston for the weekend of my Grandfather’s eightieth birthday party. Instead of being around my family, every chance I got I slid away to my room, especially when someone offered to play with my son. I didn’t have the energy or the desire to socialize which was a real shame because some extended family came from Eastern Canada and it had been years since I had seen many of these people.
Travelling with a toddler can be stressful. It is a new environment. It’s not always childproofed. People have a hard time remembering what it is like having a toddler around. The first night was horrible. I didn’t sleep very much. My son slept in his playpen beside my bed and would wake up and scream in my direction. Both of us had a rough weekend. My “Husband” did what he could but in these hard times, only Mom will do.
My Aunt had arranged for a babysitter to watch my son while the family went to a lavish dinner. Unfortunately, she cancelled at the very last-minute so we ended up toting him along with us. Thankfully, I had prepared for any situation that weekend so I had a nice outfit and a diaper bag filled with toys, snacks, and juice boxes galore to keep my son entertained.
Before having a child, I hated going out and having to listen to a child scream through the meal. Now, I feel the anxiety and judgement that others so easily cast and I try my best to keep my son as happy as possible. He is a little person too though. He just doesn’t know how to express himself yet and waiting for dinner can be excruciating for someone his age.
Especially this dinner. It was a preset, 3 course meal, with about 30 minutes between each serving. By-and-large though, my son was on his best behavior. We had one or two hiccups, but overall everyone went out of their way to comment how well he handled the event.
He picked at our meals, had some noodles of his own, ate the Happy Meal I had originally bought him for dinner, visited all our family in between servings, took a spin on a walker, wandered into the kitchen (not too far before we snagged him), and roamed the halls. We had to take him home early though because after eating my “Husband’s” desert, he puked a little. Poor guy had too much food and was so overstimulated. He slept like a dream that night, except he puked again in the very early morning.
To ramp up my anxiety further, we had that horrendous ice storm which left us stranded an extra day. My family was initially thinking about driving through it, but I am so glad we didn’t. The roads were sheer ice and had layers of slush in between.
Things just got worse for me from that point on. I have never been so depressed. I hated myself. The thoughts I was having were terrifying. At one point, I asked my mother “when do I check myself into the mental health ward for an assessment?” She told me when I finally decide to hurt myself. Thankfully, I wasn’t at that stage yet.
I stopped contacting teachers for my students, I put the bare minimum into my lessons, I hated doing my finances or anything other than what I had to. That wasn’t me. I love my job. I love every aspect of my job. This made me hate myself even more.
I felt myself reaching a boiling point that I had no control over. Then one morning at the end of April, I woke up and felt fine. A weight had been lifted.
I can only think that the horror story of emotions I had escaped was caused by adjusting my medications. My psychiatrist upped my anti-depressants at the beginning of April and I had not only weaned myself off my fibro medication, but also forgot to refill my birth control prescription until it was too late. We played Russian Roulette with my reproductive organs and thankfully survived. As soon as my gift from Mother Nature arrived, everything was fine. I won’t be making the same mistake twice, that’s for sure.
Now I am trying to pick up the pieces of what I didn’t do last month. On top of all that work, I am fighting a head/chest cold that my son brought home from daycare.
My little brother also moved home this past week from University. He is officially done. We now have 5 adults and 1 toddler living in our house and it is packed to the brim. Time to unleash some minimalism upon this family (especially on my mother who is a sentimental hoarder). As you can or can’t see, my office is somewhere in all of his stuff…
While I didn’t write last month, I did make some purchases to further aid my endeavors as a zero-waste enthusiast. Stay tuned for that one.