It’s always something.
An unexpected pregnancy.
Upheaval from university.
My mental break.
My official fibro diagnosis.
It’s. Always. Something.
For the last three months, my doctor and I have been playing with meds in order to control the pain that comes with my flair ups. It hasn’t done much, especially at the peak when I need it the most. I was up to a minimum of 7 pills a night with no changes.
Yesterday, I met with my Doctor hoping to explore new options. I woke up thinking I could take on the world. By Noon, I had hit a wall and just fell flat on my face.
I am devastated.
I am infuriated.
I have a ball of anger inside of me that I just can’t control.
While tutoring last night, I almost started crying in front of my grade 6 student. I almost yelled at a woman next to me for degrading her child while trying to help her child practice reading. That is not who I am. I keep my head down when it is none of my damn business. Yet, there I was making slightly-obnoxiously-loud and snide remarks while positively encouraging my student. Afterwards, I went LIVE on my personal Facebook go-to-mommy-friends while sitting on the floor trying to pull myself back together before my next client arrived.
Because my Doctor told me simply that if this medication was not working then he is going to wean me off it and then that’s it. That was inherently my only option in his eyes. Since I am on anti-depressants that actually work for me, he doesn’t want to mess with my body’s natural chemistry any further. Apparently there is a pain treatment clinic in Toronto I could go to weekly/bi-weekly, but that is unrealistic for many reasons. They specialize in some needle rotation therapy. I had a horrible reaction to acupuncture back in 2014 and I avoid needles that do not contain medicine or draw blood. Plus, my work hours do not make it feasible in any way to travel so far for large chunks of my weeks.
I had been looking into CBD oil in order to calm my pain at when it is a it’s peak because I do not want to rely on narcotics. I have a son, a business, a life. I just can’t. My Doctor told me that he hates sending people down this route, he’s just as anti-marijuana as I am, but he has no choice. There are no other options for me. I know CBD is nothing like THC so there is no reason to jump down my throat. I have no intention of smoking anything or ingesting anything for a high of any kind.
Perks of having an illness that has no cure, no 1-size-fits-all medication, right?
He has washed his hands of me and wished me luck on my journey.
I’m 24 years old. I have a beautiful son who is a year and a half. I have come so far in the last 2 years.
Now, to top it all off, I have an illness with no cure. Pain with no relief, that will only escalate throughout my life. It won’t kill me, it will just make my life a living hell.
I feel at a loss. I did not sleep last night.
Whenever I seem to finally come to terms with the latest fiasco-clusterfuck that whatever controls the karma in this world deems I needed, here comes the next one – right on schedule.
It’s always something.
I have no clue how I am going to conquer this one.